I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
Randomize
