nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
I wish you could order shots online.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
not ubering you a puppy
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
