I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
Randomize
