So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
