I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
