I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
Dear god my vagina.
Randomize
