laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
be right there i have to get my cape
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Randomize
