he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
