another moral hangover. fuck.
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
