I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
I only see on penis in this picture but I assume there is another lurking out of sight.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Randomize
