I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize
