I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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