Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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