Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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