Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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