Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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