I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
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