How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
