my phone needs a breathalizer
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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