my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
Randomize
