Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
Randomize
