It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Come back. Shots need mouths.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
Randomize
