Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
White coat. Heels.
I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
You are the jesus of drinking
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
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