my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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