I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
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