theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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