to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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