Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
