When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
