I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Randomize
