put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!
It is literally 8 in the morning.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Randomize
