Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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