Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
As shirtless as possible
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
