i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
Another day, another engagement, another cat
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Randomize
