once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
The Lion King Is on YouTube
Until 2 minutes ago I actually had a chance to pass my midterms... thanks alot
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Randomize
