am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
Randomize
