My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
