He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
