I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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