i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
Randomize
