oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
Randomize
