when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
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