The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
