Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
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