Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
Randomize
