dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
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