just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
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