Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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