I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
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