then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
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