i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Randomize
