If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
Randomize
